Nice Job :)

Bob and Davis worked in a law office. Davis had also enrolled himself for a part-time MBA program.

One morning, there was a call for Davis. Bob replied that Davis wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said he would call back later.

The caller tried again at 11: 30 am and Bob reported that Davis had gone out for lunch.

The final call came at 4 p.m. It was Bob again who received the call and said, "I'm sorry, he has left for the day. Can I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

Mechanic talk!!

Paula returned home one night after a date. She found her father sitting on the sofa watching TV. She asked him, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me today, but I didn't understand a word. He said that I have an attractive chassis, two amazing airbags and a superb bumper. Does it make sense to you?"

Her father replied, "You tell that guy that if he were ever to open your bonnet and pull out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will die down and his exhaust will fall off."

Alcoholic!!

Jerry read a poster on the way back home from work.

The poster read "Are you an alcoholic? Call us. We will help" 

Now, Jerry was an alcoholic and was looking to get some help since a long time. He thought there was no harm in trying the number given in the poster.

When he called, it turned out to be the number of a liquor store. The offered, "Buy one and get one free."

​2nd OPINION!!

​​​Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.    The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.    He wondered if he had anything to live for.    He had no choice but to go under the knife.    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.   He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

​'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - £400 

New shirt - £36 ​​

New underwear - £6 

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Now You're Married!!

After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady.

On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.

Five minutes go by... Ten minutes go by... Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously shagging.

She smiles and says, "You're married now. You don't have to do that anymore."

Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

Safe Hiding Place!!!

This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.

The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem ?"

"Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my hole. But now, I can't get it out!"

The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time."

He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks...

"I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"

Guess her age!!

Tom and Hank are chatting in a pub.

Tom says, "You know I found myself in a situation today."

Hank asks, "What happened?"

Tom replies, "I am having an affair with an older woman, and today she asked me to guess her age..."

Hank questions, "And?"

Tom tells, "Man, it's like deciding whether to snap the red, green or blue wire to diffuse a bomb!"

Dream House!!

A man finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house built. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, "See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time."

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says, "And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love."

The architect could hardly believe his ears, "That's incredible, what did her mother say?"

The man replies, "Baaaaaa."

Aversion therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it."

And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass!"

God and Adam!

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

Don't Put words in my Mouth!!

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "Yes" and "No" on his organ. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.

That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

His wife became upset. She said...

"You tell me how to cook... You tell me how to clean the house... You tell me how to do the laundry...

"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!"

Difference!!

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? 

Spit, swallow and gargle

Good Life!!

Billy, a teenager, was having an argument with his parents. The rebellious teen cried out, "I can't live like this. I am looking for adventure, excitement, cash and pretty girls. I will never be able to live my dream if I stay here. I am leaving - please don't stop me!"

With the outburst, he headed for the door. His father, Tom got up and followed him.

Billy said, "I think I just told you not to stop me."

Billy's father replied, "I am not trying to stop you. If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Man-Woman!!

When the Almighty made man, he made him from string.

At the end, he had some left over, so he made a little thing.

When the Almighty made woman, he made her out of lace.

He found he did not have enough, so he left a little space.

Realistic!!

A woman goes to shop for a vibrator.

The clerk at the boutique says to her, "Perhaps you might want to take a look at this model- it's the most realistic one."

The woman asked, "Do you mean its shaped exactly like a man's thing?"

"No," the clerk replied, "What I mean that after just five minutes, it goes soft for the rest of the night."

Light Bulb - Microsoft :)

Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four. 

One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?",

one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?",

another to ask "Have you tried re-installing it?"

and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Must Have Been Tight!!

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed."

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up."

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

Delivery doubts!!

Pam looked anxious when the gynecologist confirmed to her that she was pregnant.

She said to the doctor, "This is the first time I am having a baby and I have absolutely no clue how a delivery takes place."

The doctor comforted her by saying, "You have nothing to worry. It's not much different from how the baby came into being in the first place."

Pam was surprised and asked, "You mean thrice around the park with my legs dangling out of the taxi?"

Future!!

You can foretell any girl's future just by touching and feeling her buttocks.

This divine knowledge is called

.

..

...

....

.....

ASS-TROLOGY!

Ours!!!

Husband: Every time you talk you say my chair, my car, my TV, everything is yours. You never say ours. I'm your HUSBAND! It should be "ours".

Wife pays no attention as she is looking for something.

Husband: You are not even paying attention to what I'm saying. What are you looking for?

Wife: Our panties!

Shoe the horse!!

A woman is shopping at a store with her husband, when she notices a pair of shoes and she wants them real bad.

She tells he husband and the husband discourages her, saying "No way, those shoes are way too expensive - we cannot buy them."

They return home and after dinner, as they are preparing to sleep, the husband wants sex, so he places his hand on her waist.

She snaps at him, "Don't even think about it! If you are not willing to shoe the horse, then there's no way you are riding it!"

Dating school girls!!

Why I stopped dating school girls:

She came to my place in a school uniform, looked me into my eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I have missed my periods..."

That's how I fainted & when I woke up in a hospital.

I over heard her telling the nurse that, "I didn't know he cared so much about my academic life, all I wanted to tell him was that I had missed my periods for Maths and English, but he fainted before I could finish..."

Two to three :)

Tom and Jany were just married. One day when Tom returned from work, Jany said to Tom, "I have some great news for you. Very soon, there are going to be three people in this house instead of two."

Tom was so excited, he hugged Jany tightly, kissed her and said, "You know, I am the happiest man in the world."

Jany had a mischievous smile on her face and she said, "I am so delighted you feel that way, Tom, because next week, my mother is moving in with us."

Snooker table!!

Snooker table is the coolest table for men.

It teaches them how to play with the balls and concentrate on many holes using a single stick!

Friends!!

​For a man, his friends are precious like his balls... very close, always reachable, hanging around doing nothing; and without them he is not a man!

Big Person!!

Teacher: Who is the big person, you or your dad?

Pappu: Me of course.

Teacher: why?

Pappu: I stopped drinking milk from my mom, dad hasn't.

Funny Signboards!

Signboard outside a Prayer Hall:

Please Do Not Leave Your Bags, Wallets, Cell Phones Unattended... Others Might Think Those Are The Answers To Their Prayers.

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:

Married MEN are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

Signboard outside GARAGE:

If we can't repair your brakes we make your horns louder...

Signboard outside A Bar:

Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance

Signboard outside Driving School:

"If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....

Signboard outside Library:

Statutory Warning... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands...

Awkward!!

"Shaant rahiye, baith jaiye" ~ Men murmuring to themselves while getting boners in awkward situations and places.

Lungs!!

Ek bachcha ghar pe apn homework kar raha tha tabhi uski pencil neeche gir jaati hai. Vo bachacha apni chest pe hath rakh ke pencil uthane ke liye jhukta hai.

Bachche ka Dad: Chest pe haath kyun rakha????

Bachha: Dad, Mujhe darr lag raha tha isliye.

Dad: Darr? Kaisa darr??!!!

Bachha: School mein madam bina haath rakhe jhuki thi, un ke dono lungs bahar aa gaye the...!!!!

Encyclopedia - OL :)

Encyclopedia once got married. Even his wife told him "Shut up, you don't know anything!"

Just One wish :)

How do you make the most of only one wish?

A homeless Indian Gujarati fellow with no money, had a mother, wife and child to support.

He prayed hard & finally God, touched by his apathy, grant him a wish, but specifies that it will be "ONLY ONE WISH".

The Indian Gujju thinks hard & demands,"I want my mother to witness my wife gifting Diamond jewelry to my child in our new Palace!"