Just Married!!!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out, and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Crossword

​The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Prayer - OL!!

​

Every time a condom breaks, some one learns to pray!

Crashing economy!!

Santa: A crashing economy can effect a person's sex life drastically. I am one of the victims.

Banta: And how is that?

Santa: My girlfriend's husband lost his job. As a result, he is always at home!

Night Duty!!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?

Hard & Soft!!

A man, very much on the make for his secretary, wined her and dined her. He finally succeeded in getting her to his apartment, where he whispered sweet promises into her ear while he began to unbutton her blouse.

"If we get together," he said, "a fur coat...perhaps a trip to Europe."

The secretary nodded a cheerful agreement, and soon the two were locked in intercourse. Later, while dressing, she asked him when she could get the fur coat he'd promised.

"What fur coat?" he asked.

"You promised me a fur coat," she said.

"When I'm horny I'll promise anything," he said. Putting one hand on his heart and one on his weenie, he added, "When he's soft, he's hard. When he's hard, he's soft."

Divorce Couple

A newly wed couple went to their lawyer to get themselves a divorce.

The lawyer wondered that why do they want a divorce wen they are both good looking & newly wed. So he took both of them into separate rooms & asked them the reason for the divorce.

1st with the man...

"I wanted this () ... at least this ( ) ... but what is this ( *** ) ..!!!"

...then with the woman...

"I wanted this =========> ...at least this =====> ...but what is this ==> ???"

You-Know-What

A lady was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off her dew on a rose. Her husband came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.

"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"

The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again."

Quick Diagnosis!!

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating & see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine tht woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her, "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope &, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed."

Little Johnny's Farm Visit

Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

Little Johnny - I'm Too Little!!

Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.

When she got to Johnny he said, "My name is Little Johnny, but they call me 'Bonnie' and that pisses me off."

Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, "This is kindergarten Johnny, we don't talk like that."

Then she went around and asked everyone his or her address.

When she got back to Little Johnny he said, "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Turd Street' and that really pisses me off."

She said, "Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk."

"Yes ma'am." Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.

The teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what this means?"

Then she pulls up her dress.

He says, "Of course I can. That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off."

Little Johnny - Poetry or Prose!!

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,

Whose fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

The lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from - "the lamb was sure to go," to - "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said:

"Mary had a little pig,

An scrawny little runt.

He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes,

And smelled her little..."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, ".... Asshole."

Active!!

The country bum visited the gynec with his daughter.

There was a long queue in the clinic. Finally, they were called inside the doctor's cabin.

The gynec asked, "Well, what is the problem?"

The country bum replied, "Need to put her on birth control."

The gynec asked, "Is she active with the boys?"

The country bum replied, "Nah! She just lays there same way her mother does."

Education

There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching sex ed. The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size of the school.

One of the little girls there asked, "According to the Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve.

The teacher replied, "Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God."

The girl responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before Gentlemen. Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?"

Our teacher gets a smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first - trust me! And every man since him came first, too!"

Complaints!!

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are yours ???

Man : No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints

Artificial!!

A guy buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The guy hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again... he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

Argument!!

They were newly weds. While Tom wanted just one child, Tina wanted two children. 

There was a heated argument, and Tom decided to put an end to it. He said to Tina, "After we have our first child, I will get myself sterilized."

Tina was quick to fire back, "That's all right. I hope you will love the second one like your own."