Christmas Present!!

A Young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers. Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love..

Tony

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Little Johnny - Subject!!

Little Johnny came home after school: "Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language."

"Why?" asked his father.  

"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"

 "How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.  

"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

Big!!

​ A Nigerian man goes on blind date, picks up his date in a Hummer....to which she comments, "This car is Big! "

He replies, "Ah ma sista, everything in nigeria is big !!"

They get to a restaurant for dinner.....to which she says "mmmmmm this place is huge !"

He replies,"I already tod you ma sista, everything in Nigeria is big !!"

Later they head to his mansion...."wow" she says "your house is massive !"

"Yes ma sista I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big !!"

They get into foreplay, when she comments "mmmmmm your thing is gigantic !"

He chuckles and says "ahhhh ma sista I olready tod you everyting in Nigeria is big !!"

And as he enters her, he pauses for a moment, "...mmmmm ma sista are you also from Nigeria ?????

The Whole!

A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids.

He said, "Yeah, I can tell... you have the biggest box I have ever seen!"

She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her.

When he asked her what she was doing, she said, "I am doing my exercises."

He responds with concern, "Well, be careful. You're about to fall into that huge hole in the floor!"

Report Card :)

Son asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" 

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" 

Son replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

Little Johnny - Old Man!!

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.  

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor. 

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that. 

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

Say!!

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?

A: "You go on ahead while I give these two a lift."

Little Johnny - Name!!

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.  

When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher.  

Johnny sits down and the teacher says, "Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. 

Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter." Johnny started laughing.  

An hour later he forgot her name and said, "Your name has an r after the first letter is it Ms. Crunt?"

Doctor Visit!!

Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?

Because things were looking a little fuzzy.

Difference!!

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A: Woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

Golfer!!

A man is participating in a golf tournament. He was left to golf with just his caddy. On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups. 

The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty. However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.

Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.

"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."

"Thanks," says the man. "But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"

Crying :)

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.  

His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" 

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.  

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.  

"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. 

Why didn't you just laugh?" 

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Little Johnny - Bush!!

Johnny asked his mom how to deal with a girl at school who liked him a lot.  

His mom told him to find out how she really feels.  

Johnny asked how to do this and his mom told him to beat around the bush.  

Johnny then said, "what, just like you and dad do??"

Snatch!!

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."

The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a snatch just like a woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."

Tennis elbow!!

A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.

"What is that?" she asks. He replies, "Those are my golf balls."

She says, "Is that like tennis elbow?"

Fiddle!!

​​A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. 

The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was. 

"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?" 

"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful." 

"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle." 

"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it. 

"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. 

He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it. 

"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fiddle."

Little Johnny - Gifts!!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.  

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"  

"That's right!" shouted the little boy. 

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.  

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"  

"That's right!" shouted the little girl. 

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny.  

The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.  

She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," Little Johnny answered.  

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. 

"Is it champagne?" she asked.  

"No," he answered.  

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"  

Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

Cheap Tiles!

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Paddy! Paddy!"

Paddy came running in.

"Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Ohhh nooo!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up. "You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus."

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

"Nope, I can't do it," Shamus said, "Let's try plan C."

"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her."

"Oh okay," Paddy said. "While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Shamus said. "Why would you do that? This is hardly the time."

Paddy replied, "Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.

Cross-eyed Cow!!

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. 

He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. 

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. 

The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. 

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. 

So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. 

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. 

Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. 

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

Little Johnny - Urinate!!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom. 

He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go pee pee!" The teacher replied,

"Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?"

"The correct word would be urinate." 

"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"

Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"

Thinking!!

My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier." 

I said, "I don't know about that Miss".  

Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."

Farmer's Daughter

​​There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. 

As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. 

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" 

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" 

Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Plastic Baggies!!

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. 

The store clerk asks the man, "What are you going to do with all of those?"

The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"

Little Johnny - Wish!!

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air. 

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone." 

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore." 

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "