Grief!!!

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.

When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having love with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

Answers!!

TO MY DEAR WIFE: 
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. 

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten  days.  The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 

54 times the sheets were clean 
17 times it was too late 
49 times you were too tired 
20 times it was too hot 
15 times you pretended to be asleep 
22 times you had a headache 
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 
16 times you said you were too sore 
12 times it was the wrong time of the month 
19 times you had to get up early 
9 times you said weren't in the mood 
7 times you were sunburned 
6 times you were watching the late show 
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us 
9 times you said your mother would hear us 

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory  because: 
6 times you just laid there 
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move 

KEEP READING....... 

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: 

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you  didn't get more than you did: 

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 
36 times you did not come home at all 
21 times you didn't cum 
33 times you came too soon 
19 times you went soft before you got in 
38 times you worked too late 
10 times you got cramps in your toes 
29 times you had to get up early to play golf 
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 
2 times you had a splinter in your finger 
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 
98 times you were too busy watching TV 

Of the times we did get together: 

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. 
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, 
'Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?' 
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Nothing to worry about!!!

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh, yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant…"

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Child's Father :)

A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "We've been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask
me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship."

The husband replies, "Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six
of our children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."

Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU"

Share it, If you like it :)

Rooster!!!!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?

"The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins! gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,

Old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later.

The young rooster takes off running after him. They round the Front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Profession!!!!!

Three guys were on a trip to Middle East. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your weenie off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your weenie off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Affair again!!!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary "

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

Burglar :)

"Get this." said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last  night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house"

"Did he get anything." his friends asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Complain!!!!!

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you; I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's thing in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"