Talcum Powder!!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Give them a try!!

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

Hair Spray!!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Little Johnny - Gambler!!

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.  

She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. 

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". 

The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." 

"DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

 Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

Dating!!

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.

Aroused!!

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, 

"Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" 

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. 

So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Harassment!!

Teacher: Can you use harassment in a sentence?

Student: Her mouth said no but her ass meant YES.

Auto correct!!

Easy way to tell if she wants it. 

Text her and say "wanna bang?" Wait for reply and if she gets mad just say "oh my gosh it was supposed to say hang"

No Name!!

There was this little boy who had no name. One day he went outside and heard someone say Johnny. 

He then tells his mother his first name would be Johnny. 

The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper. So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper. 

The third day, Johnny goes out and hears the name Harder. Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Johnny Humper Harder. 

Johnny goes out one day with handful of cookies. He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie. 

The little girls says that she would take off all her close for all of Johnny's cookies. 

Johnny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes.

 Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry, "JOHNNY HUMPER HARDER!"  

Johnny yells, "I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!"

Arguing :)

Boss: *Shouting* " come to my office right now..."  

Employee: "Yes sir"! 

Boss : " I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?" 

Employee: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right". 

Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?" 

Employee: "He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir"!

Boss: "That bastard. What did u say to him?"  

Employee: "I told him he's right​"