Weather man!!

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. 

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Test!!

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. 

Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. 

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

Philosophy :)

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Cold!!

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. 

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". 

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Froze to death!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. 

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. 

"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. 

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second.

 "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. 

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Talcum Powder!!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Give them a try!!

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

Hair Spray!!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

Little Johnny - Gambler!!

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler.  

She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. 

After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". 

The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." 

"DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked.

 Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

Dating!!

Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church... everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.