Portrait!!

Grace and Martha were from a very prim and proper Eastern finishing school, and they were spending their vacation together in New York.

On this particular afternoon, they had accepted an invitation from a Bohemian artist, whom they had met a few weeks before on a visit to the Village, to attend an exhibition of his paintings. As they approached an extremely provocative nude, Grace couldn't help noticing that the canvas bore a striking resemblance to her girlfriend.

"Martha," she gasped, "that painting looks exactly like you. Don't tell me you've been posing in the nude!"

"Certainly not!" Martha stammered, blushing furiously. "He must have painted it from memory."

Knowledge :)

During a robbery in Hongkong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:  "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. 

 

This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" 

This is called "Being Professional" Focus only on what you are trained to do! 

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." 

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" 

This is called "Experience" 

Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! 

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:  "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank".

This is called "Swim with the tide"  Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."  

 This is called "Changing priority" Personal Happiness is more important than your job".

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. 

The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!" 

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

Oral Exam!

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam.

"The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam."

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate. After class, she meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out." Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterwards, Heather asks, "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says, "is the oral part of the exam."

A Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said, "What can I get you, gorgeous?"

The woman blushed and replied, "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please."

The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear, "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"

The Right Words!!

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful melons and bite lightly. That's what I'd like but What I Need is a new tie!"

Smell!!

A Blonde couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, "Gee, you smell terrific. You wearing perfume or something?"

The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she'd bought especially with him in mind.

"You smell good, too," she aid, "What do you have on?"

"Well, I have a hard-on," blurted the young man," but I didn't know that you could smell it."

Just Married!!!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-Meter board, and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out, and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Crossword

​The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I.

He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything your Eminence.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

Prayer - OL!!

​

Every time a condom breaks, some one learns to pray!

Crashing economy!!

Santa: A crashing economy can effect a person's sex life drastically. I am one of the victims.

Banta: And how is that?

Santa: My girlfriend's husband lost his job. As a result, he is always at home!