Men will be Men!!!

Birthday :)

Akhtar's wife is mad at him, because he forgot her birthday.

Akhtar writes her a greeting card, of course with a gift of repentance,

"My Sweetest heart, how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"

Ages on Marriages!!!

The Three Ages Of Marriage:

Twenty is when you watch the TV after.

Forty is when you watch the TV during.

Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

tattoo!!!

A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no" tattooed on his weenie. When he got home that night, he approached his wife in their bedroom.

He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and its new tattoo.

"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.

Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're going to put words in my mouth?"

MAA....

After hard work from morning to evening...
Dad puchte hai - kitna kamaya?
Wife - kya bachaya?
Kids - kya laye?
But..... Maa puchti hai - KUCH KHAYA?

So never hurt MAA.

Time Kitna hua!!!!

Lady: Time kitna hua hai?
Banta: Bra Panties.
Lady: Time poocha hai Nonsense.
Banta: Time hi to bataya hai 12:35

Bill :)

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

--
Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

Common!!!

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Hard to find :)

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'

Assembling :)

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Blondes Convention :)

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Scale :)

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Sense of Humor :)

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."

Obedient :)

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them "who is the most obedient?"

Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "OK, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

Corporate Lesson!!!

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.


The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the next door neighbor.


Before she says a word, Bob says,I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that? It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. Great!! the husband says,Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?


Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Steer!!!

Contest!!!

A guy and a girl are making love when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freaking freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says,

"Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine.

Golf!!!

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied,

"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"

Q!!!

Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda super guy like that man on Star Trek?"

"No," said the wife, "He's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down."

$20!!!

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his arse was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's back.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys arse. He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)

Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1,980 stuck in your arse!"

And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!

Argument!!!!

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Onions!!!

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

Worried Young man!!!

A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.

Smokers Position!!!

Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.

Routine Checkup!!!!

When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."

"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."

"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"

"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"

"You Bet!" answered Dan.

"The one with the body that won't quit?"

"Right.."

"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"

Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"

Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!

Collections :)

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.