Before it Starts!!

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started."

Too long!!

A man goes to a doctor because he thinks his weenie is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.

After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his weenie a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.

The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"

The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.

But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"

"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!

Pill!!

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in her.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

"Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Misprint!!

Atlanta Coca-Cola is fixing an embarrassing typo in the word "disk" in copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink.

In the misprint, the "s" is replaced by a "c." Normally, the small type under the copyright information states that the "red disk icon and contour bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co."

Birth Control!!

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns birth control. The first woman says "We're planning for kids, so we don't use it."

The other woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Marriage Seminar!!

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

Age!!

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks woman the same question.

She replies, "I have a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Alternative Fuel!!

Dr.Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a petrol station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol.

The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had been taken by somebody, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since she was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in the car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting my car too"

International Marketing!!

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multinationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

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In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

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When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

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Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

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When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

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An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

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Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

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Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

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Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

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In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

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Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

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and finally... In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

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Lovely Conversation :)

Brain asked Heart: "why are you sending mails to people who does not reply you back?"

Heart replied to Brain: "you need REASONS,I need RELATIONS"

Gets you into trouble!!

Dr: Your Heart, Lungs, Pulse & BP are all OK.  Now Let  me See That Little Thing,  Which Gets you Ladies into all kinds of Trouble.

Lady starts disrobing.

Dr: No! No! Please put your clothes back on.

Just Show me your Tongue

Position!!

A happy couple went on a world cruise for their honeymoon.

Wanting to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign affairs, the husband asked, "Honey, what do you think about the Middle East position."
      
His wife replied, "I don't know, have we tried it yet?"

Corner of one eye :)

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled: "how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn't believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn't see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.

Natural Disaster :)

Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt,
Tsunamis to devastate,
Hurricanes to sway around &
No one teaches How to choose a Wife,
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

Names!!!

A Boy Goes To His Mother One Day With A Puzzled Look.

Boy: "Mom, Why Is My Bigger Brother Named Thunderstorm?"

She Told Him: "Because He Was Conceived During A Mighty Storm."

Then He Asked: "Why Is My Sister Named Cornflower?"

She Replied: "Well, Your Father And I Were In A Cornfield When We Made Her."

Boy: "And Why Is My Other Sister Called Moonchild?"

Mom Replied: "Because We Were Watching The Moon Landing While She Was Conceived."

Thoughtfully, Mother Paused And Asked Her Son: "But Why Are You So Curious, Broken Rubber?"

Diamond Ring!!

A Boy With A Girlfriend Entered A Jewellery Shop On A Saturday & Choose A Diamond Ring Worth 8 Lakhs For Her Girlfriend,

He Gave A Cheque And Said He'll Collect The Ring On Monday After The Cheque Is Cleared.

On Monday Jeweler Called The Boy And Said,

Jeweler: "There's No Money In Your Bank A/C"

Boy: "I Know But You Can't Imagine What A Weekend I Had With My Girlfriend"

Birth Control- OL!!

What's the most effective birth control device for men?  Their manners.

Anagram :)

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Another way to play with changing perception. The following are some examples

Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point== I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes== That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two== Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it

Above all this is quite astounding!

Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler

Pill!!

ONLY MARRIED :)

An IT services company had a policy of hiring ONLY MARRIED men.

Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO.

She asked, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Do you consider us women are Weak, Dumb, Tantrum throwers or Bossy?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied. "It is ONLY because our policy is to hire staff :-

-Who are used to obeying orders without questioning,
-Who are accustomed to being bossed over,
-Know how to keep quiet
-Put up with anything when I yell at them.

Men have these qualities so our policy is "GENTLEMEN ONLY LADIES FORBIDDEN"

Confident Vs Confidential!!!

A Young Boy Asks His Dad.

Boy: "What Is The Difference Between Confident And Confidential?"

Dad Smiled And Says: "You Are My Son, I'm Confident About That. Your Friend Over There, Is Also My Son, That's Confidential!"

Study !!!

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Weenie was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Exam Questions :)

An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some.

To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago!

When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"

Question !!!

Question to Savita Bhabhi: What's the difference between being hungry and horny.?
Savita Bhabhi: It depends Where I put the cucumber..!

Three Most Common Words :)

Boy : What are the three most common words in the world these days?

Girl : I LOVE YOU ! . ♥

Boy : No, MADE IN CHINA

Her First Time!!!

The man asks the girl if she's afraid and she shakes her head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and she shivers; her body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within her eyes and tells her to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes her and she opens wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. She begins to plead and begs him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause her as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, she feels the tissue gives way; pain surges throughout her body and she feels the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at her concerned and asks her if it's too painful. Her eyes are filled with tears but she shakes her head and nods for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but she is now too numb to feel him within her.

After a few moments, she feels something bursting within her and he  pulls it out of her, she lays panting, glad to have it over. He looks at her and smiling warmly, tells her, with a chuckle; that she has been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

She smiles and thanks the dentist. After all, it was her first time to have a tooth pulled

Community Service :)

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the barber about his bill. "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
 
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there's a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later that day a cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

Later that day a Politician comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I can't accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The Politician is very happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen Politicians waiting at his door.

Sizes!!!!

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost there.
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

Marshmellow !!!

A man is urinating one day when the end of his weenie drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.

He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is."

And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"