Love and Marriage :)

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

 He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

 Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Hurt :)

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed her elbow and screamed. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Benefit!!

Wife: "Want a quickie?"

Husband: "As opposed to what?"

Pirate :)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Height Of Social Networking!

A Woman Updated Her Status On The Facebook: "Got My Periods Last Night"

21 Guys "Liked It" & 18 Guys Posted "Thank God"

Legs!!

After Delivering 9th Baby

Lady To Priest: "I Don't Know Why I Get Pregnant So Often? There Must Be Something In Air"

Priest: "Yes My Child, Your Legs"

Patients!!

A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said lots of other doctors have it with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ..

Friends!!

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Vaseline!!

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

Liar!!

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Vibrator!!

A blonde enters a Shop and asks for a vibrator.
Salesman: You can select from our range displayed on the wall.
Blonde: I'll take the red one.
Salesman: You can't, that's our Fire Extinguisher!

Little Johnny - Swimming Pool!!

Little Johnny is in the swimming pool when he is cornered by the lifeguard.

"You're not supposed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I will have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," protested Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

With the Eyes!!

Katy had not been feeling well and went to see her family doctor.

"Young lady," Dr. Jones declared, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be", protested Katy. "The only men I've been with are nudists and in our camp, we practice intercourse only with our eyes."

"Well in that case," said the doctor, "I suppose someone in that camp is cockeyed."

Poem!!

For a change, instead of regular jokes, a poem for you...

In the begging there were two leaves

one covered Adam's and one covered Eve's

then one day those leaves blew away

then in the wind Adam's thing started to sway

then in amazement as he stood there

he noticed Eve's treasure all covered with hair

then to Eve's wondering eyes 

Adam's thing started to rise

so they went at it and at it for days on end

its amazing how many ways people can bend..

Lawyer :)

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Tight!!

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.

So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

"Geeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them".

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

@ home :)

Phone rings...
Santa: If it's for me then say that I am not at home.
Jeeto answered: He is at home.
Santa: What the hell?
Jeeto: It was for me.

Italian Restaurant :)

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, "We'll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the waiter, "but that's the owner."

3 kinds of men :)

There are 3 kinds of men in the world:

Some remain single & make wonders happen.

Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen.

The rest get married & wonder what happened?

Shaadi!!

Shadi Ke Function Mein Do Aadmi Aapas Mein Baat Kar Rahe The

Pahla: "Lo Kuch Din Pahle Hi God Mein Khelti Thi Aur Aaj Iski Shaadi Hai"

Dusre Ne Puchha: "Aap Dulhan Ke Chacha Ho?"

Pahla Muskurate Hue: "Nahi, Dulhan Ka Boss"

Engagement :)

ENGAGEMENT - 

a. that period in a man's life which can sometimes end happily - unless it ends in marriage;

b. a word with two meanings: (1) in war, it is a battle and (2) in courtship, a surrender.

Mathematics!!

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Batteries!!

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. 

The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries." 

Curious girl!!!

I would like to share a funny experience.

It was Friday evening. I boarded the metro and sat down. A young mother and her little daughter entered the compartment and settled themselves in the seat next to me.

I was holding a bunch of roses in my hands and the little girl was straining to see what I was holding.

"What have you got there, mister?" she asked.

Her mother got a bit flustered and told her to mind her own business.

I showed her what I was holding and she loudly announced, "Hey...Roses! Who are they for?"

Her mother was embarrassed and firmly commanded her to sit down.

I replied, "These are for my girlfriend".

This time she exclaimed in an even louder voice, "Wow!! pretty RED roses, and so many of them, too! You really must have screwed up!"

Everyone in the compartment was in splits, except her Mom who was desperately looking for a place to hide!

Wrong texts!!

Santa: I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people.

Banta: So what?

Santa: Nothing really - but now my wife thinks that I'm going to make love to her tonight and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

Gupt Daan!!

Pujari Apni Patni Ka Monthly Checkup Karvane Doctor Ke Paas Gaya,

Checkup Hone Ke Baad Doctor Bola,

Doctor: "Pujariji Aapki Biwi Maa Banne Wali Hai"

Pujariji Gehri Soch Mein Pad Gaya.

Doctor Pujariji Ko Hilate Hue: "Kya Hua?"

Pujari Sochte Hue Bola: "Soch Raha Hoon, Ye Gupt Daan Kon Kar Gaya?"

Air-bag :)

Jason and Sandra went shopping for a new car at the Ford dealership.
The salesman asked them, "Would you like a car with an Air-bag."

Jason retorted, "No thank you. I already have a Mother-in-law."