Matrimony -OL!!

The wives to survive matrimony have to be good in the kitchen or in the bedroom.

Doctor :)

'I'm sorry,' said the doctor to the distraught woman, 'but I'm afraid that your husband has passed away.'

'Oh no I haven't!' came a voice from the bed.

'Be quiet, George,' snapped his wife. 'The doctor knows best'.

Point to ponder!!

Instead of learning unconditional love and loyalty from Dogs, the only thing people learn is doggy style!

Relationship!!

Man to a super cute air hostess: What's your name?

Air Hostess: Eva Benz

Man: Lovely name. Any relationship with Mercedes Benz?

Air Hostess: Our maintenance cost is the same!

Similarity!!

What's similar between Amul butter and Women?

Both are Utterly Butterly Delicious, one on bread and the other on bed.

They're even better when spread well!

Infidel Wife!

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

Respect :)

Customer asked to the shopkeeper: "What do you have for graying hair?" 

The Shopkeeper replied:"Highest respect Sir."

Practical Man!!

A man goes to the chemist to buy his wife some Tampax, and asks the assistant where they are. 

He returns to the counter with a pack of cotton wool, the assistant tells him they are not Tampax, to which he replies, 

"When I sent her out for a packet of cigarettes, she came back with tobacco, so this time she can roll her own!"

Vacation!!

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 13th child.

"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"

The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

Best Friends!!

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." 

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.

That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."

Flavored Ones!!

A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condys to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs.

He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose. While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband, "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

Dating Tips!

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, he showed up with flowers and chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellry!"

Hypnotist!!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat..... 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache'..... It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a 'Ball of Fire' in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday!

Costly Gift :)

A middle-aged American man is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, darling? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bill, I want a divorce."

He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Little Johnny - Silicon!!

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements.

So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Steve raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Tighter!!

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

Concept!!

Who started the concept of 5 days a week and 2 days off?

It naturally had to be

.

..

...

Draupadi!

Special Offer!!!

A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up, "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

The Namo Cartoon that is going viral..

25th Anniversary :)

A man enters in a wine store and asks the seller:
What would you advise me for the 25 anniversary of the wedding?

Dear sir, it depends if you want to celebrate or to forget.

Good Shot :)

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.

Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."

Magician's secret :)

A couple go to see a magic show in Vegas. After one especially amazing feat the man yells, 'How'd you do that?'

'I could tell you, sir,' replies the magician, 'but then I'd have to kill you.'

After a pause the man yells back, 'Okay, then. Just tell my wife!'

Jamaican sandals!!

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.

The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at love."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being confident in himself

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!

Quickie!!

After having a quickie, guy told the girl, "If I'd known that you were a virgin, I would have taken more time".

Girl : If I'd known you had time, I would have taken off my panties!

Good Sale!!

A blonde walks into a shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

Salesman: "$35."

Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." 

Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

Marriage :)

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Teachers!!

A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

"On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers, they..."

"Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

"Are you sure? I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

"It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it !!"