Little Johnny - Prayer!!

At dinner, little Johnny was forced to lead the family into prayer.

Johnny: Dad I don't know to pray.

Dad: Just pray for ur family members, friends, neighbors, the poor etc.

Johnny: Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so that they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all the poor naked aunties on my Dads blackberry and...

Provide shelter for all the homeless uncles who use Mom's room when Dad is at office. AMEN." No one had dinner that night.

Focus!!

My girlfriend says I can't focus on two things at once...

Guess, she hasn't noticed me staring at her friend's assets!

Ice cream truck!!

When Betty hears about the death of her 96-year-old grandfather, she journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Grandma?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Grandma, two people who are nearly hundred years of age shouldn't be making love!" Betty exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

A Tempting Wager!!

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He couldn't help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!" said the agency owner.

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and fondled her assets. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.

"What colour car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

Boyfriend!!

One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Little Johnny- Homework!!

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.

She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. 

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." 

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." 

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." 

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Honeymoon Couple!!

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.

Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

Cheating Death :)

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend today is your day"

Guy:- "But I'm not ready!".

Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list".

Guy : "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?".

Then death said,"All right.. ".

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy,

"Because you have been so very nice to me,

I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.."

Moral : What ever is written in your destiny will never change no matter how much you try to..!!

Cream and Sugar!

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. 

The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!

That Phase of Life!!

An old man wakes up in the middle of the night to take a piss. He looks at his weenie and says, "You see whenever you need me, I wake up"!

Enthusiasm!!

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again.

"Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.

Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

Responses!!

Responses during Love:

Mistress: Wow! Darling this is great!

Whore: Come on finish it now!

Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly!

Wife: Ceiling needs painting!

Bank Account :)

A mother decided that her young 11 year old daughter should open her own bank account.

"As it will be your account, I think that you should complete the application form" said the mother.

The daughter was doing really well but was puzzled when she came to where it said 'Name of previous bank'. She pondered for a second and when wrote 'Piggy'.

Birth Control -OL!!

A crying baby is the best form of birth control.

Truth!!

Dear Boys,

If she asks the waiter to serve the gravy on a corner of the plate and not on the rice, that's the first sign she won't swallow!

Answering Machine!!

Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' messages on someone's answering machine? They usually go something like this.......

"Hi, it's a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number after the beep. I'll get right back to ya."

<<< BEEP! >>>

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being 'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click.

Goldfish :)

A little boy was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked "What are you doing here? "

"I've just buried my goldfish, it died" replied Little Boy tearfully.

"That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish" said the neighbor.

Patting down the last bit of earth, Little boy said "That's because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat".

Almost Married!!

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,"How have things been going?"

The second guy, speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I was almost married."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Yes, I went to a doctor and he told me that if I speak slowly I will not stutter."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching his back and I told her that when we are married, she can do that for me. And then she threw the ring in my face."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"Well, I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog, he was licking his balls!"

Autobiography!!

Sunil Gavaskar named his autobiography "Sunny Days". 

Sunny Leone has decided to name her autobiography "Sunny Nights"!

Since even Sunny Leone's life deals with different strokes!

Mortician!!

A mortician was working late one night.

 

He examined the body of Mr. Harper ,about to be cremated,and made a startling discovery.

Harper had the largest private part he had ever seen!

 

'I'm sorry Mr. Harper,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

 

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

 

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Harper is dead!'

PIA!!

All men feel that women are a Pain in the Ass (PIA). But just think about it, the world without women would also be a pain in the ass, if you know what I mean

Confused!!

Student: Madam, when I grow up, how will my wife have a baby?

Teacher after thinking for sometime, "An angel will come from heaven and hand over a baby to your wife".

Student: So who do I screw, wife or angel?

MMS :)

Receptionist to OBAMA:Sir someone has called but not speaking,

Obama:Tell him Namaste, He must be Manmohan Singh (MMS)

What Size?

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.

"What size?" asked the blonde, pharmacist's assistant, sweetly.

When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?" Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.

Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"

But Tom kept on going until he was done.

"None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting." 

Positions!!

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I made love on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other positions?"

"Not if both want to watch TV there ain't"

Connection!!

A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's tits, so he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

"I am going to do word association" explained the doctor – "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind"

Doctor: "oranges".

"Tits", replied the patient.

"Apples"

"Tits"

"Watermelons"

"Tits"

"Wipers"

"Tits" said the patient with the same reply.

"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and tits, but automobile's wipers? 

Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.

"Easy, One on the left and one on the right!"

Punishment!!

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

Scottish man!!

A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady.

She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."

The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."

So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!"

He says, "Try it again, it grew some more"