Cheated :)

Generally a man does not go to the place again where he has been cheated once…

But many people still go to their in-laws place..????

Grocery money :)

He said to me: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Attention :)

If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

The Chicken Story...

Mirchandani lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. 

So one day Mirchandani called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:​​ SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Mirchandani called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Mirchandani called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." 

He was going to let Mirchandani do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Mirchandani.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Mirchandani a call..  "How's the problem with those drivers.  Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And! not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."  He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Mirchandani's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.  It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY, Go slow and watch out for chicks!

Difference!!

​

​The difference between being holy and being horny is knowing the difference between...

I am doing Pooja and I am doing Pooja.!!

Role :)

Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day! 

Dad: What role are you playing? 

Pappu: A husband! 

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

Animal in me :)

​A small argument between a couple turns violent.

Husband says: Don't let the animal in me come out.

Wife replies: Who's afraid of a mouse!!!

​Horror :)

A Husband kills his wife while their 5 year old son was still sleeping.

The weird thing was that kid didn't ask for his mom even 3 days after she went missing.

Father:" Is there something that you want to ask me ? "

Kid : " I just wonder, why mom is always standing BEHIND YOU"

Swapping!!

He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

Loving Relationship :)

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husbands:

I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!! and the best one

10. Who is this?

​Why husbands avoid questions :)

WIFE: What would you do if​​ i died? Would you get married again? 

Husband: No...

Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married? 

Husband: Of course i do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 

Husband: OK, OK, i'd get married again... 

Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?  

Husband: Yes, it's a great house. 

Wife: Would you let her drive my car ? 

Husband: Yes, its almost new, dear. 

Wife: Would you give her my jewelry? 

Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own.. 

Wife: Would she wear my shoes..? 

Husband: No, her size is '6' 

SILENCE... 

Husband: "Ssshhiittttt...!"

Survey Report!!

Women who sleep on their sides are Sensitive;

Women who sleep on their stomach are Competent;

But women Who sleep on their back with legs in the air are the most popular!

Owls!!

​Teena: "What Do You Think About Husbands?"

Meena: "They Are Like Owls"

Teena: "Why?"

Meena: "They can s​​ee the good things in a Wife only at night"

Today's Generation :)

​​​In a Nursery School Canteen, there's a basket of apples with a notice written over it:

'Do not take more than one, God is watching'

On the other counter there's a box of chocolates, 

A small child went & wrote on it. "Take as many as you want, God is busy watching the apples".

NEVER ACT SMART WITH today's generation..!!

Testimonials!!!

H​ave you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back​​or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....The last one is great!

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.​ ​He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's b​​alls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a Variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, My sister has never let me forget it.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future , likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor, the day after it was supposed to have snowed up to a couple of inches and didn't,She turned to the weatherman and asked:'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, as they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

Terms and Conditions :)

​Ek Diwaar par likha hua tha,

"Life Is Very Beautiful".

Kisi ne uske niche ek line aur add Kar di:​​

"Terms & Conditions of Wife Apply"....!!!!

Postal Code!!

Did you guys ever notice that the postal code for Delta, Canada is V4G 1N4.

jinko samajh aaya wo forward kare. Baki bachche POGO dekhen..!!

Satisfy!!

For those who know nothing about how to satisfy a woman: The 'G' spot is located at the end of the word shopping!

Enjoy!!

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished the act.

"Honey, did you enjoy the act we just made?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

That's Happiness!!!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!"

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

Pay Phone :)

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Hooting :)

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.

For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication , his wife had a chat with her neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."

Idiot :)

If boy is in love, His parents will say Idiot,who is that girl?

 

If girl is in love, Her parents will say, Who is that idiot?

 

Moral of the story -In love stories, no matter who is in love BOYS are always idiot!

Sardar & his family :)

​Ek Car Me Sardar Family Ja Rahi Thi tabhi Police Ne Car Ko Roka Aur Bola: 

Ye Sadak Suraksha Saptah Hai, Aap Seet Belt Pehan Kar Car Chala Rahe Ho Isliye Aapko 5000/- Ka Inaam Diya Jata Hai...

Aap Is Inaam Ka Kya Karoge..?

Sardar: Mai Isse Apna Driving Licence Banwaunga.!

Tabhi Uski Maa Boli: Iski Baat Ka Yakin Mat Karo. Ye Daru Pikar Kuch Bhi Bolta rahta Hai. 

Tabhi Uski Wife Neend Se Jaagi Aur Police Ko Dekh Ke Boli: Mujhe Pata Tha Ki Chori Ki Car Mein Hum Zyada Dur tak Nahi Ja Payenge...​​

Hairy There!!

An American was walking on  the road in London on a windy day.

A woman was walking on the road towards him when suddenly the wind blows her dress little up. ………she was not wearing her Panties.

The American, trying to speak as native as possible, says to girl, "It's a bit airy, isn't it?"

The girl replied angrily, "What did you expect, feathers……there?"