Yes you are!!

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no, you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no, you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no, you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no, you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condy either!" said the guy. "Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Tennis Ball!!

Nathan was out for his morning walk, when he noticed a tennis ball lying in the grass. Not seeing anyone around, he quietly picked it up and pocketed it. Later, when he was waiting at the traffic signal to cross the road, a teen aged blonde noticed the bulge in his shorts. Surprised by the sight, she asked Nathan in a naughty tone, 

"What is that?"

Nathan replied, "Tennis ball."

The blonde replied, "ooh....I had tennis elbow last year and I know how it hurts."

Testimony!!

Jessica was testifying in court with regards to a case she had filed for molestation.

She said, "It was late at night, and I was in this dark alley, when he grabbed me from behind, and tore my short dress. He pulled down my undies and bent me over a box...I can't even remember what happened after that...!"

Judge Simmons, panting by now, said, "Make something up, will you!!"

Expecting :)

​Once Krishna and Arjuna were walking towards a village. Arjuna was pestering Krishna, asking him why Karna should be considered a role model for all Donors (donations) and not himself.

Krishna, wanting to teach him a lesson snapped his fingers. The mountains beside the path they were walking on turned into gold.

Krishna said "Arjuna, distribute these two mountains of gold among the villagers, but you must donate every last bit of gold".

Arjuna went into the village, and proclaimed he was going to donate gold to every villager, and asked them to gather near the mountain. The villagers sang his praises and Arjuna walked towards the mountain with a huffed up chest.

For two days and two continuous nights Arjuna shoveled gold from the mountain and donated to each villager. The mountains did not diminish in their slightest.

Most villagers came back and stood in queue within minutes. After a while, Arjuna, started feeling exhausted, but not ready to let go of his ego just yet, told Krishna he couldn't go on any longer without rest.

Krishna called Karna. "You must donate every last bit of this mountain, Karna" he told him.

Karna called two villagers. "You see those two mountains?" Karna asked, "those two mountains of gold are yours to do with as you please" he said, and walked away.

Arjuna sat dumbfounded. Why hadn't this thought occurred to him?

​​Krishna smiled mischievously and told him "Arjuna, subconsciously, you yourself were attracted to the gold, you regretfully gave it away to each villager, giving them what you thought was a generous amount. Thus the size of your donation to each villager depended only on your imagination.

Karna holds no such reservations. Look at him walking away after giving away a fortune, he doesn't expect people to sing his praises, he doesn't even care if people talk good or bad about him behind his back. That is the sign of a man already on the path of enlightenment".

Giving with an Expectation of a Return in the form of a Compliment or Thanks is not a Gift, then it becomes a Trade.

" Give Without Expecting Anything in Return !" 

Collection :)

There was an annual event and meeting of the Lions Club in Goa, India. There were elaborate arrangements, and a band was also called in to make the occasion musical and eventful. After the meeting was over, the speaker announced, "We have organized a charity event for Old Age Home. You are all requested to donate generously. Those who wish to donate kindly stand up and you will be approached by a person who will collect your contributions."

Nobody moved. So, the speaker asked the band to play the National Anthem.

Everybody had to stand up and there was a handsome collection that evening. 

Riding Merrily :)

Joshua was riding merrily on his scooter when he was stopped by a motorcycle cop.

Joshua asked, "Did I do something wrong?"

The cop said, "Guess you did not notice but your wife fell off the scooter at the last bend."

"Oh...did she?", said a relieved Joshua "I almost thought I had lost my hearing."

Lucky :)

Jack was walking on a footpath when he stepped off it and into the road, without looking left or right. He was immediately knocked flat by a cyclist.

The burly cyclist said to Jack, "You are one hell of a lucky guy."

Jack, who hadn't yet picked himself up, yelled, "What do you mean? You crashed into me and it really hurt!"

The cyclist said, "I normally drive a truck."

Three Engineers :)

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car engine shuts off, leaving the three engineers stranded by the side of the road. All three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. 

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work!?"

Steering wheel!!

When Bob entered the doctor's office, Dr. Smith knew something was terribly wrong. With a painful expression, Bob said, "Doctor, I have a steering wheel stuck at the end of my johnny."

The doctor asked him to remove his pants and took a good look. He said, "That's extraordinary. It must be driving your nuts!"

The First Night!!

Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown."

Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooooo."

Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."

Fanny again says, "Noooo."

Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again."

"Nooo." says Fanny.

So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.

Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me."

Fanny says, "Nooo."

Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."

"NO." says Fanny.

Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down."

Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

One Word or Two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Guide!!

Darius, an Egyptian guide, was getting fresh with an American tourist in Giza. 

He said to her, "Would you like to see the back of the pyramid with me? I will make you a mummy"

MIL Gift :)

​A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her.  Next morning he finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her.  Next morning he also finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note : from your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.  Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note : from your Father In Law!​​​

Lawyer Joke

​A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks ​​the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Don't you just love lawyers ?

Not me, I am married!!

I was a little high that night. I was walking down the street when a lady of the the night suddenly confronted me and said, "Hello darling. Interested in some oral? Only $100."

"Not me", I said, "I am married."

The woman said, "How does it matter?"

I replied, "It matters. My wife will do it for only $50."

Marriage!

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

Marriage!

Scold!!

​​Kid by chance enters into parents bedroom and is shocked at what he sees. He shouts at his mom and you scold me for just sucking the thumb.

Intelligent!!

​Husband and wife are like two tires of a vehicle.

Even if one punctures, the vehicle can't move further. So intelligent people always keep spare tires.