Trust :)

The Fire Brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the 10th floor of a burning building.

Fireman shouts: "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket!"

Irishman replies: "I don't trust you, lay it on the floor!"

Wrong One!!

A man comes into the ER and yells... My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Keep off the grass!!

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. 

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read: Keep off the grass.

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said: Sorry... had to mow the lawn.

Breakfast!!

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

The bait!

When Fisherman Harry arrived at the river bank, he realized he had forgotten to carry bait to fish. He was wondering if he should go back home, when he noticed a toad catch a worm. Harry caught hold of the toad and snatched the worm away from it. 

He proceeded with his fishing, but he was feeling bad for the toad. So he picked up the toad again and dropped a few drops of brandy down its throat.

Harry was back to his fishing, when he saw the toad hopping its way to where he was sitting. This time, the toad, had 4 more worms in its mouth!

I am a Man!!!

Me: Say 'I am a man' after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had great time.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says...

Friend: I am a man.

Idiot :)

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Fun!!

Simon and Natalie were having a go at it in the bushes in their native town. They started arguing on who had more fun.

Simon said to Natalie, "Guys sure enjoy it more than girls. That explains why we are so hell bent on getting laid."

Natalie said, "That does not mean anything. When there is itching in your ears, what do you do? Put your finger in the year and shake it, right? When you pull it out, which feels better - ear or finger?"

Old Lovers!!

Maude and Claude, both in their 8o's , lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the afterglow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle".

Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

Spit!!

A 2 year old son spits water on floor.

Wife: We don't spit! If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises his eyebrows

Wife: You shut up!

Proud of my country :)

I was visiting New York city when I met my friend Elaine Fu who was studying there. We were walking around Manhattan when Fu suddenly exclaimed, "I feel so proud of my country when I see all those flags fluttering!"

I said, "Hey Elaine, are you not Chinese? Why are you so proud of the American flags?"

"Haha", chuckled Elaine Fu. "Guess you did not notice the labels!"

Devil :)

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

Little Johnny - Scare!!

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. 

One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. 

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Dilemma!!!

One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma?"

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Smart Kid :)

Sam: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Sam: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."

Limp!!!

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "OH !! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics."

Preferences!!!

When Bunty set up a double date for himself and his friend Mark, he said, "Listen Mark, you get to choose first. Let me tell you about these girls. Nikki is kind of fat and not that good-looking, but when she goes down on a man, she gives the ultimate pleasure! Tina has amazing curves and a great pair of legs and she looks amazing when she wears high heels."

"Wait a minute", interrupted Mark, "I prefer head over heels anytime."

​​Height of recycling!!

​M​​an giving used condos 2 his son to use as a balloon and after bursting giving to his daughter to use as hair band

Funeral :)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."