Devoted Wife!!

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

Statue!!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Babies!!

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

Gift!!

I gave my wife a big box of assorted hazelnut chocolates for V-day.

She smiled and said, "Aww...you know you should not have."

I gave back, "You are right but I guess one more pack of chocolates will not hurt your fat behind."

The Old Fisherman :)

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth."

Mistress!!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it  was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 

The architect said he enjoyed time  with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. 

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. 

The engineer said, "I like both." 

"Both?" 

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Perfect Girl!

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."

Escape :)

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing, Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

Family Planning!!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 

"That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had answer to every question the father raise.

Finally, in exasperation, the father asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have any babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."

A Genuine Problem!!

A guy visits his doctor and says he has a problem!!

"Doc, I think my weenie is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

"Well, American beer," he replies quite baffled.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

A couple of months later the man returns to see the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the physician.

"Oh no, Doc, but I have the wife drinking American beer!"

Free Drinks!!!

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Amritsar, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologies for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "If anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available.

Why I Quit Golfing

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into garage & proceeded to back out into.... a torrential rain ! Wind was blowing at 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio & discovered that the weather would be bad through out the day.

Disappointed I went back into the house,quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back& whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My beautiful and loving wife replied, "I know... and can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather !"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf.

A Respectable Lady!!

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.

"But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sake, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

Miracle :)

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people, when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle... he gave me a longer cane."

Discretion!!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. 

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Quarrel!!

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. 

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" 

"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last

Deal!!

A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice. They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.

Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair. The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.

However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively. The waitress had to react and help.

She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."

The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."

Faithful and Virgin!

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice, "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'."

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repudiation. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum !"

Expensive Camera!

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed "to exercise the Papal wrist", and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!", said the Pope, "You cannot do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!"

"This is my big lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of 2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....Two million Euros..."

TWO MILLION EUROS!" replied the housekeeper. "They must have seen you coming!"

Alarm!!

Anna is working in the kitchen when Paddy enters with his first erection in years.

"Anna...Anna... get into bed," he says.

She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undies gets on the bed, feet in the air, legs apart... but all too late. Paddy has withered away.

"You know Anna... we can't have this happen again," says Paddy. "Next time I get one of these boners, I'll ring the firebell so you start getting ready when youse hears it. When I git to the house with it, we'll be right to go."

Months go by. Anna's in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations real quick! Paddy comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Anna lies waiting for him, legs wide apart, feet in the air.

He looks at her and says, "Get up, yer silly old cow... the bloody barn's on fire!"

Little Johnny - Mouse!!

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. 

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. 

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?" 

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

New Year Wishes...

May each day of the coming year bring with it a different reason to make you smile and may you find happiness all around.. 

Wishing you & your family peace, prosperity and happiness in the year ahead... 

HAPPY NEW YEAR - 2016