Baldness!!!

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does…"

Surgery!!!!

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

For Sale :)

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50.00″. The next day someone stole it.

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Closet!!!!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..Wait For It !!

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now..'

Weighing Scale :)

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

'Pick me up.'

This bloke is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting on the river bank the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' 

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. 

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' 

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me & I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious & jealous because I will be your bride!' 

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, & placed it in his front pocket. 

Then the frog said, 'What, are you barking mad? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nope!at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Counting!!!

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.

So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven!"

The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy puts his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven!"

Kangaroo!!!

An conservative American woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian out-back and they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to pre-pare herself. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

Habit!!

Two guys talking in a bar: "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing 'til 5 a.m.?" the pal asked.

"Waiting for me to get home."

Job Benefits :)

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance,
but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years
salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full
premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such
benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

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