Contest!!!

A guy and a girl are making love when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freaking freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says,

"Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine.

Golf!!!

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied,

"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out!"

Q!!!

Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda super guy like that man on Star Trek?"

"No," said the wife, "He's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin' down."

$20!!!

A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his arse was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look.

"This is amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's back.

Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too.

And then another! And another! And many many more.

Finally, the doctor had pulled the last $20 from the guys arse. He looked at the large pile of $20 bills on his desk, and began to count them. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money)

Finally the doc exclaimed, "There was $1,980 stuck in your arse!"

And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!

Argument!!!!

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Onions!!!

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy. Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection."

Worried Young man!!!

A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.

Smokers Position!!!

Question: Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.

Routine Checkup!!!!

When Dan came in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Dan, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Okay," said Dan, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first."

"well," said the doctor, "you've only got three weeks to live."

"Jesus!, gasped Dan, wiping the sweat from his brow. "What the hell's the good news?"

"You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?"

"You Bet!" answered Dan.

"The one with the body that won't quit?"

"Right.."

"And the blond hair and baby blue eyes--"

Yeah, yeah..." interrputed Doug, "What's the good news?"

Leaning forward, the doctor whispered with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!

Collections :)

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.