Lick the lock!!

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."

Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Thrown Out!!

A man enters a confession box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned."

"Tell me what's on your mind my son," the priest replies.

"Father," the man says, "I'm worried that I may be thrown out of the church."

"Whatever for," says the priest.

"I made love with my wife from behind as she was leaning into the fridge."

"Oh my!" says the priest a little stunned. "But she is your wife isn't she? And you were making love weren't you?"

"She is my wife," the man answered, "and indeed we were making love. I've never loved another woman in my life."

"Well, then my son," the priest says happily, "in the eyes of the Lord you've done nothing wrong."

"But father," the man gasped, "does this mean that I won't be thrown out of the Church."

"Of course not my son," the priest replies, "why would you be thrown out of the church?"

"Well Father." the man replied, "we got thrown out of the frozen-food section of the supermarket."

Shrinkage!!

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his weenie. The young man had the longest, thickest weenie he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his weenie get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

Recovering!!

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"

Private Secretary!!

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a Huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ My own private secretary.

"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said. "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted."

"That's fair enough," I replied. "When can you start?"

Weather man!!

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. 

The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" 

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Test!!

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. 

Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. 

Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"

Philosophy :)

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Cold!!

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. 

When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. 

He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. 

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". 

So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood.

5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

Froze to death!!

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. 

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. 

"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. 

"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.

How did you die?" says the second.

 "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. 

"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."