Little Johnny - Prayer!!

At dinner, little Johnny was forced to lead the family into prayer.

Johnny: Dad I don't know to pray.

Dad: Just pray for ur family members, friends, neighbors, the poor etc.

Johnny: Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so that they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all the poor naked aunties on my Dads blackberry and...

Provide shelter for all the homeless uncles who use Mom's room when Dad is at office. AMEN." No one had dinner that night.

Focus!!

My girlfriend says I can't focus on two things at once...

Guess, she hasn't noticed me staring at her friend's assets!

Ice cream truck!!

When Betty hears about the death of her 96-year-old grandfather, she journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Grandma?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Grandma, two people who are nearly hundred years of age shouldn't be making love!" Betty exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

A Tempting Wager!!

The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He couldn't help staring at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"OK, agreed!" said the agency owner.

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and fondled her assets. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.

"What colour car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

Boyfriend!!

One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Little Johnny- Homework!!

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.

She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. 

Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." 

The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." 

Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." 

The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

Honeymoon Couple!!

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.

Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

Cheating Death :)

Death came to a guy and said, "My friend today is your day"

Guy:- "But I'm not ready!".

Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list".

Guy : "Okay why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?".

Then death said,"All right.. ".

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put into the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy,

"Because you have been so very nice to me,

I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.."

Moral : What ever is written in your destiny will never change no matter how much you try to..!!

Cream and Sugar!

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.

As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. 

The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"

The man says, "Two's fine."

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!

That Phase of Life!!

An old man wakes up in the middle of the night to take a piss. He looks at his weenie and says, "You see whenever you need me, I wake up"!