Father and Son!!

A father and his 6 year-old son attended a horse auction. The father decided to check out a horse prior to bidding.

The father ran his hands up and down the horse's legs, face, and rump. The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father replied, I'm interested in buying this horse and I'm checking it out."

The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers and he blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home now!"

The father was puzzled and asked him, "Why do we have to go home right this minute?!"

The boy replied, "Because, the UPS man was there yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

husbands whereabouts

What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Encouragement

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them." 

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I'm so horny , I hope you perk up real fast. Else I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

Little Johnny!!!

A junior school teacher in Bristol asked her 9 year olds to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see The Circus and
I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a blouse with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight.'

Recession!!!

Special Scheme for Employees....
Dear staff,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of Economy since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme To put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

B/O

Sailor!!

A sailor came home from a secret year-long mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.

"No!" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he yelled.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed

Promoted

Overheard in the next cubicle: "Ted got promoted, so I'm collecting money to buy him a cake."
"What? Now he'll be grossly overcompensated compared with the rest of us.
Buying him a cake only exasperates the unfairness!"
There was a pause. "Did you know he has high cholesterol? "
"Here's my dollar!"

Gloves!!!

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her ten $100 bills and told her that it was
for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so she
stuffed them in her gloves.

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house. Later that night, after all the
guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking
down the stairs and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that
I have them."

"Oh, you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself
right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare
hands just like I did your Granddaddy's."

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the
talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the
hospital for the birth of their first child.The attending nurse came
out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and
said,'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth
of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and
again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their third child.The same nurse was there for this birth also and,
after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you
do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep
the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I
guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!'

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks
one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats
but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens
just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy
any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the
way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

Little Sally!!!

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

 

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

 

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

 

Sally replied, "No, Salty."

 

Mom Fainted.

Olympic Bloomers!

Liked the last 2 ones ;)

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Yes, there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Vollyball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."

6. Football analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Football commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Tetanus shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,'Where are you going?' He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'  He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning  herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?  She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'  She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

Hairdryer!!

Nice One :)

Meant his money

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 85 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and pain- fully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."

"My God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 65 years…. I thought he meant his money

Haircut!

There was a good old barber in Hyderabad, India. One day a florist
goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber
and the barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you, I am doing a Community Service.

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is
another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there ......
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with
printouts of the fowarded mail mentioning about free haircut!

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an aeroplane.  The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

Got used to....

A Welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the
vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in the
grass when pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he
loads the sheep into his
Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the
sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find
the sheep still just standing round. Try again he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls exhausted
into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are wallowing in the grass.
'No', she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn'

Adjust

Woman complaining to the dentist "I rather get pregnant then having a tooth filled"
Dentist: "Decide fast so that I can adjust the chair accordingly"

Grammar lesson

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.  He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.  So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.

 The medicine woman says, "I can cure this."  That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.  She collects the ash, then she says, "This is powerful medicine.  You can only use it once a year.  All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine woman replies:  "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down.  But be warned - it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.  That night he is ready to surprise Joyce.  He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.  He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."  He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.

Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!"

The Tree!!!!!

when you think your'e having a bad day ...............read this and
know that it could have been worse.
While walking through Hyde Park in London , a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this
he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've got to be kiddin
When you think your'e having a bad day ...............read this and
know that it could have been worse.
While walking through Hyde Park in London , a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this
he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've got to be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the
other bloke slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet,
watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this man
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the other man the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished his story, the other man shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."