Divorce Very funny!!!!

Young Banker :)

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Have you ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Missed a jokes, read here --->>>

That’s my business!!!

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends on how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

Advice!!!

A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is stick it in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."

The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real slow, and then pulled it out real fast, just like his buddy said. After a while he
asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like black guy."

Santa!!!!!

Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if your wife is virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.

Birth Control!!!

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Absent Minded :)

Absent-minded professor - Heavens! someone stole my wallet.

Wife- Did'nt you feel a hand in your pocket?

Professor- I did, but I thought it was mine

Did you hear about the absent-minded doctor who, on his wedding day, when it came to put the ring on the wife's finger, started checking the pulse rate and asked her to stick out her tongue?

Nurse - You've just become the father of a baby boy!

Professor - Don't tell my wife, I want to surprise her.

Did you hear about the absent-minded person who stood in front of the mirror for hours together wondering where he had seen himself before.

Missed a joke, read from the archive section ->>>>

Famous Quote!!!

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.

They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

Never Learn :)

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Murphy's Laws on Girls :)

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that

2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...

4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.

6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed.

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.

8. Theory of relativity: The more u run towards a hot chick... the more she goes away from u.

9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.

Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-

1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day

11. All the good girls are either nuns or married .the rest go around with u and ruin ur money, health and leave u a total wreck.

12. The more seriously u like a girl... the more seriously her dad will hate u.

Short Joke : Man's Ego

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego…
A.) "Is it in?"

Social Security!!!

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on.

Mahabharata retold, tweet by tweet

For those who are using Twitter, you can follow the Mahabharata retold, tweet by tweet

An ancient Indian epic about princes, demigods and a cataclysmic war is getting a makeover on Twitter —140 characters at a time.

Chindu Sreedharan, a UK-based lecturer, is retelling the Mahabharata using the micro-blogging service, hoping to lure readers with creative snippets posted in chronological order.

"This is not quite about capturing the philosophical richness of the original Mahabharata — but presenting a version that will, hopefully, suit the medium," Sreedharan, 36, said in an e-mail interview.

The Sanskrit epic, one of Hinduism's crucial texts, deals with a dynastic struggle for power that ends in victory for the righteous. It is regarded as an allegorical lesson in righteous living integral to much of India's cultural consciousness.

While the original Mahabharata has a main narrator, Sreedharan's version (twitter.com/epicretold) is told from the point of view of Bhima, one of the five Pandava brothers who triumph over their hundred Kaurava cousins in battle.

Such was the appeal of the Mahabharata that when it was first adapted for television in the 1980s, it managed to empty city streets, forced changes in train timings and got actors elected as members of parliament.

http://www.financialexpress.com/printer/news/498994/

Payment for treatment :)

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital .

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Blonde Joke :)

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. "So, Miss," the interviewer asks, "Can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, "Um... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her  handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head, checks the measurement, and announces, "Five foot  two."

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm our records, what is your name, please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something to herself, before replying, "Jenny."

The interviewer is completely baffled, so he asks, "What did you do when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, you know: 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

Outside line!!!!

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

Kinds of **** !!!!

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."