Dhobi!!

What is the defination of a Dhobi?

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN LEGALLY SAY TO EVERY MARRIED WOMAN- "Kapde nikal ke rakho, main aata hoon!"

A Matter Of Punctuation :)

An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Blonde In Boeing :)

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. 

As soon as she boarded the plane,a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts, "BE SILENT!"

`There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

Virgins!!

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand comparison & criticism.

Complete the sentence..

Teacher: Complete the sentence, "Early to bed and early to rise..."
Pappu: This man surely has no interest in his wife.

Italian men!!

Two Italian men, Antonio and Carlo, were traveling in a metro in London. They were both engaged in an animated conversation.

An English lady sitting next to them was reading a book, but soon her attention is diverted to their conversation.

Antonio says to Carlo:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two as*es come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two as*es, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The English lady can't take this anymore and yells, "You foul-mouthed ill-mannered sex obsessed pig! In this country, we don't discuss our sex lives loudly in public!"

"Hey, what's the problem lady?" said Antonio, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend Carlo how to spell 'MISSISSIPPI '.."

Smart :)

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

Chess Player!!

Three friends were discussing their wives.

Tom says "You know, my wife is amazing. When she makes love, she's just like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

Eric says, "I couldn't have asked for a better wife. She is gifted like a world-class pianist when it comes to sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then Tom says to the third friend Robert, "Hey Rob, tell us how's your wife in bed?"

Robert took a sip of his vodka and said, "I guess you could say that my wife has the gift of a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah" says Robert. "Every half an hour, she moves."

Falling!!

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Animal game!!

Mrs. Jones in kindergarten school decided to play an animal game. She showed the class a picture of a rhinoceros and asked, "Who can tell me what it is?"

When no one answered, Mrs. Jones prompted, "See it has a large horn in the middle of it's face? What wild animal has a large horn?"

Reena raised her hand and said, "I think it's a rhino."

"Very good Reena," said Mrs. Jones.

Next she held up a pic of a zebra and prompted, "What animal has stripes like these?"

Joe held up his hand and said it was a zebra.

"Right answer Joe," said Mrs. Jones

Next she held up a photograph of a deer. Nobody answered. She hinted, "See the big antlers on this animal. Tell me the name of this animal?"

There was still no response.

"Okay, Ill give you another hint, it's something your mommy calls your daddy."

Tedddy shouts from the back row, "I know, I know, it's a H*rny Son of a B*tch."

Abbreviation :)

With regards to all the Indians who are settled in America, the following abbreviation describes their condition:

ABCD = American Born Confused Desi (Also the name of a movie)

Now, we will define their condition more aptly with all the 26 alphabets
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

It's : American Born Confused Desi Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey, Keeping Lots of Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic Yet Zestful.

Share it with a Gujju friend, I just did it :)

Space is an essential part of English!!

A secretary got an expensive pen as birthday gift from his boss.

She sent his boss a 'thank you note' via e-mail.

But, her boss's wife read the note and filed a divorce.

The note was

"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night.

It has extra-ordinarily smooth flow and firm strokes.

Initially its tip was to be licked to bring it in working order and then it was equally on both sides.

I loved its perfect size and grip.

I felt as in heavens using it.

I had always desired it and fulfilled my wish.

At last it is mine and only mine, forever.

Thanks a lot."

Moral: "Space is an essential part of English."

 

Universal Sign :)

Ted was looking for a parking place in a shopping arcade. After driving up and down several lanes, he finally found a parking spot. He noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, Ted gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very puzzling. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at Ted, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the arcade. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once Ted parked, he walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," the driver replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

Conversation :)

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: 
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. 
"You were perfectly right. 
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the  telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: 
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

Test!!

An Air Force placement test asks: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect ! "

Those who spell "spine" become doctors. The rest go to flight school.

Scared!!

Two young girls were talking about their private lives when the first girl  says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.

I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.

"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

For God Sake!!

Husband: "Honey, why is broken condom laying on the sofa?"

Wife tensed: "where?"

she goes out to check and returns

Wife: "For GOD sake stop calling our son a broken condom"

 

Safe!!

Question: "What's the most Important Question to ask if you want to have Safe Game?"

Answer: "What Time Will Your Husband Be Home?"

Ice Cube!!

Old friends Ronald and Jasper were totally drunk at the bar. Jasper was staring at his glass with curiosity and asked,"Hey Ronald, have you ever witnessed an ice cube with a hole in it?"

Ronald replies casually, "You bet. I have been married to one since the last ten years."

Fact -OL!!

The vibrator was the 5th domestic appliance to be electrified, after the sewing machine, toaster, fan and tea kettle

Laundry !!

Emma, Olivia and Wilma were neighbors in a small town in Sweden. They would often gossip while hanging their laundry out in the backyard.

When it rained, however, the laundry would always get wet - all the washed clothes, except for Wilma's. Emma and Olivia would be amazed by the fact that Wilma never had her laundry out on the days it rained.

One day, when they were all out in the backyard putting their washed clothes on the line, Emma asked Wilma,"How is it when it rains, your clothes are never out?"

"I'll tell you a secret," said Wilma, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Sven. If his dangling is hanging over his right leg, I know it will be a warm day, and I can hang out the clothes. If his dangling is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the laundry."

"What if he is erect?" asked Olivia.

"Darling," said Wilma, "Who wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

Choices :)

Never laugh at your wife's choices
You are one of them
 
Never be proud of your choices
Your wife is one of them

PTO!!

Pathan's wife got fed up with her husband and got a tattoo made on her bum
.
..
...
P.T.O.

Similarity!!

Whats The Similarity Between Washing Machine & Girls?

Even If One Of These Is Not Available Then You Have To Use Your Hands.

Funny Definitions :)

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumour: News that travels at the speed of sound.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Marriage: It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her master's.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and shakes your confidence after.

Chemist!!

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condy's to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her  worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condys, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condy won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

Interview!!

Santa been to an interview and was given SWOT analysis, this is what he wrote in it..

Strength – My Wife, Preeto.

Weakness – Bantas Wife, Jeeto.

Opportunity – When Banta Is On Tour.

Threat – When I Am On Tour.

Difference!!

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.