Little Johnny - Positions!!

In the class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making love".

" The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"

Johnny says, "Seventy-three." 

The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..." 

She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" 

Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl." 

Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."

Little Johnny - Ears!!

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.  

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. 

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.  When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."  

The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." 

Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" 

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." 

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"

Little Johnny - Boyfriend!!

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."  

Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" 

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

Little Johnny - Guessing!!

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.  

This one is round and red."  Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. 

"It's a plum miss," said a girl.  "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.  

The next one is oval shaped and green."  

The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, 

"It's a kiwi miss."  No, it's a guava, but i like your thinking." 

 Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." 

 "Johnny, that's disgusting!" shouted the teacher. 

" no it's a match, but i like your thinking."  Said Little Johnny.

Little Johnny - Faces!!

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

 Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."  Little 

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Little Johnny - sensory perception!!

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. 

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. 

I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." 

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick!  Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

iPhone!!

I like to put my iPhone 6+ in my front pocket. Now when I'm walking around, I finally have something 6 plus in my pants

Blunt :)

​A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!

Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. 

You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing.

By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

Mistake!!

I made a HUGE mistake… I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub she looked at me and she instantly knew I've been lying to her for years.

Pictures!!

When I was a kid, my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom. Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

Attitude Problem!

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

ORGASM!!

To stay slim, healthy and happy, have an ORGASM everyday.

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O: Oil free food.

R: Ripe fruits.

G: Grilled vegetables.

A: All wheat bread

S: Salt-free food.

M: Morning Exercise

What you thought also works!

Sergeant Jack

After the end of the war, a young female reporter from a local newspaper was sent to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Jacky on the street.

"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"

"Yeah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"No, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I screwed my wife," Jack said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"

"I screwed her again," Jack answered.

The journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

"Other than that! Ummmm... what did you do when you were finished with all that?!"

"Then I unstrapped my shoes and my heavy backpack and screwed my sweetheart again."