Hypocrite!!

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's Honey pot.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"

The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"

Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it out of here!"

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

Smoking!!

This guy came up to me while I was having a fag and said, "Don't you realize smoking causes cancer?" 

I said, "I ain't bothered." 

He said, "But you could die." 

I said, "You haven't met my wife, have you?" 

Wrong Pills!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!

Name Plates!

Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day.

A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise that the other women had already moved into their own offices.

Going to her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly.

"See this?" he asked, "This is quality, and in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on."

New Car!

I saw a guy from work today Pull up with his missus in his brand new car, "What do you think?" He said. "She's a beauty, isn't she?"

"Certainly is," I said enviously.

"Have a go if you want." He said.

"I couldn't do that," I replied, "I wouldn't feel right."

"Go on," he smiled as he got out. "I insist."

"Okay," I said as I rubbed my hands together and climbed in.

Two minutes later I jumped from the car nursing my cheek and holding my balls...

Turns out he was talking about the car, not his missus.

Cigar!!

A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?"

His customer answers in a slurred voice, "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weenie."

"Oh come on," replies the bartender.

The customer then says, "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."

He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.

The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, "Why this is just a cigar!"

The customer looks puzzled and says, "I have it here somewhere," and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, "See that."

The bartender again inspects it closely and says, "You idiot, that's just another cigar."

Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, "Oh no, I must have smoked it!"

Driving :)

​​Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Cop!!

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Chair :)

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

The Sensuous Wife!!

With a very seductive voice the wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, said her husband."

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reach down in her cleavage and push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting It drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!," he said, becoming even more excited.

To which she replied, "Go look in the garage."

Cowboy!!

A cowboy from Montana and a cowboy from California are on a sheep drive. They have been out for weeks and have been pulling sheep out of the mud and working really hard. Eventually they come across a sheep with her head stuck in the fence.

They are both very lonely, so the cowboy from Montana says "I'm first!" and he drops his pants and mounts the sheep. When he is finished, he steps back, looks at the California cowboy, and says "You're next".

The California cowboy drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

Different Position!!

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.

The guy agrees and goes to the druggist to buy three Dramamine for his sea sickness problem, and three condys.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five- day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condys.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the druggist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condys.

Finally, the druggist asks, "Listen buddy, it's none of my business, but if you get seasick on top of her, she's probably way too heavy to be on top of you, but you could try doggie style."

Sin of Lying :)

​​A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. 

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Last Name!!

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It"s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

"Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

"Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Torpedoes!!

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me."

Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

Kitty Green!!

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

"Father," he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I made love with Kitty Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional, "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've made love with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Kitty Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest, "go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Kitty Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

A Bit Nostalgic!!

Murphy met Sharon at his bar one night. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Murphy to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Murphy's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Murphy comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

Difference!!

What's the difference between a Lady in the church and lady in the bathtub?

One has Hope in her Soul and One has Soap in her Hole!

Old Slapper!!

Two 16 year old girls are at School.

One is really posh, while the other is a bit of a slapper.

The teacher asks the posh one to give her a sentence with the word 'improper' in it.

She replies in her posh accent, "My brother let off some wind at the dinner table, I thought that most improper."

The teacher then gives the same question to the slapper, who says, "Last night, my bloke was shagging me from behind, and when I felt his bollocks slapping against my arse, I knew he was inproper."

Caution :)

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly:

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Stand in Line!!

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Lickety split!!

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first sales-woman she sees and asks: Escusa me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: Escusa me, have you seen-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers: Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.

To which the Italian woman answers: No, no, no, that's not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the boobs, but he no lickety split!

Exercise!!

How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini.

Divorced!!!

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John," she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

Common!!

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Parking ticket :)

Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...

But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...